The Better of Two Worlds
by Tarika Nachtwind
Summary: It is never easy to discern what is a dream and what is real. Can Captain Janeway make the right choice?


AN: I wrote this ficlet for the VAMB 2009 Secret Drabble/Ficlet Exchange. My recipient is Ewige Studentin.

_Disclaimer: The first sentence belongs to Ewige Studentin; Voyager and her characters belong to Paramount._

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The Better of Two Worlds **

"Do you think it's because I like to look at you and imagine how good you would taste?" Kathryn Janeway chortled and closed the book. The Golden Retriever that had been dozing at her feet, looked up expectantly. "Well, Missy, do you think I'm getting too old for that kind of reading when the only thing that pops into my mind is coffee?" Missy responded with a wagging tail. Kathryn laughed and stretched her back with a content sigh. "Coffee it is, then."

A few minutes later, she returned to the living room with a big mug of freshly brewed coffee, one of the things she had greatly missed in the Delta Quadrant. She settled back into the comfortable armchair and closed her eyes as she brought the mug to her mouth. She could lose herself in its taste.

A wet tongue tickling her bare feet brought her back to the presence. Kathryn giggled and affectionately ruffled her dog's silken fur. Her gaze fell upon the picture of Voyager's Senior Staff that stood framed on the glass table in front of her. She took it in both her hands and looked at it solemnly. How she missed them all. Her heart felt heavy when two dark eyes looked back at her, the dimpled smile, that so often had left her speechless, brightening his features. But it was too late now. He had found happiness and she had never been able to tell him... A single teardrop fell right onto his face. She wiped it away with a caressing thumb. Too late. O, Chakotay...

"Kathryn, come back to me."

"What?", she whipped around, "Who is there? Chakotay?" But nobody answered. Missy looked up at her mistress showing no sign that she had noticed a stranger entering their home.

"Kathryn, please, open your eyes." She gasped as she felt a fleeting sensation on her left hand. She rubbed it with her right hand and then she rubbed her ears. Was the loneliness finally getting to her? She knitted her brows. Maybe... Nothing prepared her for the sudden blinding pain behind her eyes. Heavily, she fell to her knees. Missy was whining, it seemed to come from a great distance, and there were voices all around her, "What? - Lieutenant, quickly - She's bleeding - Her brain - We need to - She's seizing - Hang in there, Captain!" Yet, these frantic voices, too, faded into nothingness as merciful blackness engulfed her, freeing her from unbelievable pain.

Waking came slowly to her. First, she only heard the murmur of his very familiar voice and then there was another one. They were getting clearer.

"How is she?"

"Stable, now." The Doctor sounded drained.

"Will she wake up, soon?", Chakotay asked hopefully.

"I'm sorry, Commander, I..."

"But you told me, that a change would increase her chances."

"A positive change, yes, Commander, but I fear, this was a change for the worse." There was a pause. "Commander, there is still hope. I'll do everything I can and... The Captain is a fighter."

"I... Thank you, Doctor. Can I sit with her for a while?" Chakotay's voice was barely more than a whisper.

"Of course."

Kathryn felt his hand on hers. "Kathryn, can you hear me?" She tried to answer, yet she couldn't move, couldn't speak. "You have to fight this! I know you can do it. They all miss you, you know? Tom tried to raise morale with a few pranks", his chuckle seemed forced, "but everybody can tell his heart isn't in it. They all are waiting for you. I think even the ship misses you. The thought of going on without you..." The pressure on her left hand increased as he took a deep, somewhat ragged breath. "No. I trust you to come back. I need you to."

Something wet hit her face. Was he crying? But then her sense of smell returned and brought her a healthy dose of doggy breath. Missy was licking her face, whimpering softly. "Sorry, little one, I think I must have fainted." Kathryn sat up groggily, using her hands to push her off the floor. "Ouch!" Sucking on her bleeding, throbbing index finger, she looked for the source of the cut. The picture must have fallen off her hand, it lay on the floor, the glass broken. Hoping to salvage it, she put the pieces back onto the table. Missy whined and butted her head on her mistresses knees, she seemed restless. "O, I know you need to go outside. It has to be the back yard, though, I'm not up for a walk."

As she watched Missy bouncing happily through the grass, her thoughts traveled back to the odd dreams she had. The door frame she was leaning on was reassuringly solid. Her finger had stopped bleeding as the cut had been shallow, yet she could still taste the blood in her mouth. That proofed it though, didn't it, that the voices had to be a dream? When in doubt you had to pinch yourself and when it hurt and you didn't wake up, then you knew that it was real. Surely a cut would work similarly. And still, it had been so oddly clear and without any pictures. Suppressed memories? Maybe. It could have happened like this on Voyager. But why should she remember them now? Was it because the seemingly lost Chakotay she heard echoed her own feelings? Though a while ago she had felt quite content, worrying about nothing but a nice cup of coffee. She shook her head. It didn't make any sense. Whatever happened to her, it did bring back a longing she had thought she had overcome a long time ago.

A small beeping noise alerted her of an incoming message. She made her way across the room and sat in front of her work station. She took a deep breath and ordered the computer to open the message. A split second later, her face fell in disappointment, just a reporter asking for yet another interview. What had she been hoping for? A message from her crew? Chakotay even? She pinched her nose. Should she call him? "Computer, open a message to... o, forget about it." The computer beeped in compliance and she turned her face away, angry at her own cowardice.

"Kathryn!" She jumped, when she heard his voice behind her. She turned back to the monitor and looked straight into his dear eyes. "You were about to call me", he stated matter-of-factly.

"N...no I wasn't!"

"But you need to speak to me, don't you?" Kathryn nodded. This whole thing wasn't right. She rubbed her forehead. She would solve the puzzle. Later.

"Are you happy?", she asked him.

"Happiness is overrated." She rolled her eyes at his answer.

"Seriously, Chakotay, are you happy?"

He sighed and locked her eyes with his. "Yes and no. Yes, because we are home, I have a nice job and a wonderful family, whom I love dearly."

"And no?"

"No, because I know that you aren't happy. You are my best friend, after all and it is hard to see you hurting."

"I am still your friend?"

"Of course you are. Part of my heart will always belong to you."

"Do you... do you think it might have worked between us, under different circumstances?"

He smiled at her sadly. "I don't know, Kathryn. We both can be very stubborn. But love? Yes, it was definitely there.

"If there was a chance, a second chance for both of us, should I take it?"

"There isn't a second chance for us here, but if you really want to change things and take a risk then you should wake up."

"What?" How could he know about her visions?

"It wouldn't matter if you went on as you have before. You got your crew home. They are save and reasonably happy. You sacrificed your own happiness to get them there. I don't want you to do the same again and suffer through it because of your guilt. This is a second chance for your personal happiness. Only if you want to change that, you should wake up."

"So my visions, they are real?"

Chakotay shrugged. "They are as real as you want them to be."

"But how...", her voice trailed off, the monitor in front of her was blank. She bit her lip, hard. Was it time to call the Doctor? Maybe she was schizophrenic or beginning to be.  
Suddenly, she was showered with drops of rain and mud. Missy was back. She got up and closed the back door. It was getting dark, a fine drizzle was promising rain later.

It wasn't long before she went to bed. The house was quiet, except for the faint drumming of the rain on her windowsill. She was tired and still her mind was turning over the afternoon events. Her eyes were closed and she could see each of her crew's face. She missed them, too. Yes, she would try to wake up, whatever that meant. She could still see the Doctor in the morning if it didn't work. Having thus decided she let sleep claim her consciousness.

***

It was the feeling of being watched that woke her, but opening her eyes to catch that person in the act proved to be more difficult than on other occasions. She remembered something about Tom playing pranks on the crew. Maybe he clued her eyes shut. Though he wouldn't dare doing it to his Captain, would he? Finally, she succeeded. Her vision was blurry and it was quite dark, still she couldn't see anyone. Wait, was there a slight noise? She moved her head to the left, again that task seemed to take all the strength she could muster. She squinted into the darkness. After a heartbeat or two she could make out a form at the door. She felt her pulse go faster. That was not Missy, but it looked rather familiar.

"Chakotay?", she croaked.

He gasped. "Kathryn? Kathryn!" She must have blinked longer than she wanted to, because the next thing she saw was his face hovering inches above hers.

There was a soft hissing sound. Two heads turned towards the Doctor appearing in the middle of sickbay, wearing a strange outfit. Clearly, he had been running a holodeck program and the computer alerted him to his patient's changed status. He had a look of great annoyance on his face that quickly changed when he took in the scene.

"O, Captain, it's good to have you back." The Doctor's joy was genuine. Immediately, he started checking her with a medical tricorder.

"It is good to be back." Kathryn smiled. That phrase, sickbay, the Doctor, Chakotay, yes it really was good to be back. "How... how long?"

"You have been in a coma for three weeks. The attack..."

"I remember." She did, vaguely. "Casualties?"

"The usual variety, you were the worst injured, though."

"Good." Her eyes closed without her command.

"Rest, Captain. Your body needs time to heal. You should head to bed as well, Commander."

"Right. Well, good night then, Kathryn. Welcome home." He squeezed her right hand and started to leave. It was then that she remembered something.

"Wait. Chakotay?" He turned around.

"Yes?"

"I... I'd like to define some parameters," her mouth was suddenly dry, "about us."

"Kathryn?"

"I brought Voyager home, but I lost you in the process. I can't do that again. I wasn't happy. It rained." Tiredness made her thoughts tumble all around her brain.

"I'm not sure I can follow."

"A date? Candlelight dinner, maybe, or a picnic on the holodeck?"

"You want to have a date with me?"

She nodded. "Yes."

"I'd love that." She could feel his smile.

"Now. Go. Sleep."

"Of course. Sleep well, Kathryn. And thank you."

Kathryn smiled into the darkness. It was all about choices. She didn't know what the future would bring, but she was sure that she chose the better of two worlds.


End file.
